Un-Common Sense?

... (Courtesy of Flickr)

It’s been a few weeks. I feel the need to apologize. Not sure why, that’s just how I am. I have actually had the topic for this three weeks. I need to teach a course on procrastination. A post for another time maybe.

I’m actually thinking about something that seems to be lacking in this day and age. Common sense. I saw this post from the New York Times a few weeks back and it struck me. If you don’t want to take the time to read it, in a nut shell a Middle School in Connecticut is instituting a policy of “No Touching” on school grounds. This seems to be aimed at reducing fights, but it seems odd to me that instead of dealing with the actual problem, the school just decides a mandatory no touching rule be instituted. I feel like I am seeing cases like this crop up more and more. When did it become public policy to over react to any situation? A boy is hurt during an altercation at school so now no one may touch another person at all. No “high-fives” no hand shakes, no hugs. I fail to see the logic. This is the public equivalent of a dad yelling at the kids in the back seat fighting over their “territory”.

How about all of the frivolous lawsuits? The dry cleaners lose a guys pants and he sues for 64 Million? A man suing to get the inheritance from his mother…whom he killed? Or the Mayor of Batman, Turkey suing Warner Brothers for using the town name without permission. (Never mind that Batman has existed since the 1930’s) The man that sued himself for violating his own religious beliefs. The list goes on.

Common sense, according to Merriam-Webster, is “ sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts”. It something that hopefully our parents taught us from an early age. If you grab a hot pan on the stove you are going to get burned. If you play around electrical wires you’re going to get a shock. Simple thinking that should be obvious. For some reason this practice seems to have gone out the window and we get situations such as the above. I don’t really have a solution because, frankly, I can’t understand the problem. The only thing that comes to mind is a note from the Proverbs:

“Wise men store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin.”

And, one last one I came across today that I really have no words for.

Medically Necessary

Courtesy of Flickr

Well, I participated in what is becoming an annual tradition at Casa de Verde. The annual all night visit to the ER. The toddler was having some pain that was not subsiding and through consultation with on call medical professionals it was deemed to err on the side of caution and get him examined. I feel that our trip and the medicine he received resulted in less discomfort over the long run. But the short term was not fun.

As soon as we came in the ER he coupled his distress with an increasing anxiety that manifested itself in screaming and generally disagreeing with anything anyone suggested. What was obvious to the staff was that there was a little boy who was in pain and they wanted to do whatever they could to relieve his pain as quickly and safely as possible. The consensus was that they wanted to give him medicine to help with the pain, and something to calm him down so they could diagnose him properly. If you are one of the few to be blessed with no hospital visits let me explain to you how this works. In order to reduce patient discomfort and cut back on using lots and lots of needles, the staff will put an IV shunt into your arm, hand, whatever. They then connect their syringe to the tube and inject whatever medicine they need, as often as they need, with only one penetration of the skin. Actually a very good process but you have to get that one needle in to start the process. And kids and needles don’t mix. The nurses understood this. In short order a small army of nurses entered our room. They needed to get the IV in our son’s arm and then inject the medicines. In his case he wouldn’t let them take his temperature or weigh him, so sticking a needle in his arm was not an option in his mind.

His mother and I understood that the benefits of the medicine would offset or outweigh the discomfort of the IV. With that in mind, the process began. The nurse chose the arm she would use, and then they swaddled his other arm to keep him from grabbing at the IV. While the other nurses kept him still, the assigned nurse then proceeded to administer the IV and the medicine. The whole time this was happening his mother was talking to him to try and calm him. At the foot of the bed there was little I could do but rub his feet and mutter something about how this would make him feel better. Oddly though, I felt like I was betraying my son. Intellectually, I knew that the medicine would relieve his pain and take the edge off of his anxiety, I knew he would feel better because of it, but my heart was breaking because of the perceived betrayal that my son felt because his mother and I did not “protect” him from something that hurt him. This little boy, who an hour earlier was calling for his daddy because he was in pain and in his mind daddy can fix anything, was now crying out, “I want to go home.” I have not cried that hard in a long time.

Have you ever had a season of life that was painful. A time that was uncomfortable and all you wanted was to get out. Outside of the raw emotion of the hospital event I have been able to analyze the actions of that night. I have begun to see parallels of this experience in my own life. Specifically, my spiritual life. Many times I have had painful experiences, I have lost loved ones, bad career experiences, bad relationships, and I wanted to pull my head into my shell and escape however I could. My faith in God tells me that he has the power to take me out of those situations and relieve my pain, but many times that is not the answer that comes to my prayers of frustration. Like my son, I am crying out, “Take me away from here!” Just like my wife and I could see beyond the trauma of the IV and know the medicine will make our son better, God can see beyond the situations I am in. He knows that I am uncomfortable and does not take pleasure in my discomfort, but he knows that the end results will shape me, and make me a better person. He can see beyond the moment, and he desires more for me. So instead of rescuing me he walks with me to the other side, all the while trying to comfort me. As time goes on and things change and I reflect I realize that those experiences have shaped me, and equipped me to better deal with something later in life. It doesn’t take away the pain I had to go through to get there, but it does put the pain into perspective. My wife would relate it to childbirth. Every mother knows and recalls the pain of child birth, something I can only speculate on, but as that child is laid into the mothers arms, all the pain is forgotten. The benefit overshadowed the pain, and many will often repeat the process, even with first hand knowledge of the pain involved. They can see beyond the pain, to the joy that awaits, and determine to push through. Sometimes, avoiding the pain is not the answer.

Back to the story, an hour later as he is being wheeled back to his room following a CAT Scan (which he did remarkable in!), my son, the same one that was screaming “I want to go home!”, said to us, “We’re having fun at the doctor.” He couldn’t understand the situation before. He could not see beyond the moment. All he knew was that he hurt and that he wanted to escape from the pain. His mother and I knew how to get him there, and we knew the experience would be uncomfortable. We could have avoided the experience with the IV and taken him home. But his original pain would still be there. So, instead we moved forward and we whispered into his ear, “I know this is uncomfortable. I know you’re scared, but this is going to make you better. Be strong, hang in there. We love you!”, and we helped him through. By the time we left the hospital he was buddies with all the nurses, and the events of earlier were forgotten, replaced with a loudly exclaimed “I feel better, now!”

Beneficial, Now With More Freedom.

Freedom...

It is a beautiful day in the land of waving wheat. The wind is even sweeping down the plain. Days like this really put me in a weird place. I want to jump in the car, put on some shades, roll down the window and turn up the music. I get a sens of freedom and hope out of days like today. I feel like anything can happen and I am ready to put my trappings behind me and dive in with both feet. Not exactly the best course of action for a married father and employee.

Days like today bring to the forefront the decisions that I opted not to do. Things that my life choices have made difficult, if not impossible. Not in a sense that I can’t do them, you see I have the freedom in my life to make the choices that I want to do. If I feel like leaving my family and moving to Timbuktu all I need is the resource and will. But there is a dimension of freedom that comes with maturity. The Apostle Paul worded it like this:

“Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. ^a

While I may feel free to do what I want, my desires, in the long run, may not be beneficial. I can actually hurt myself, and other people, by exercising my freedom. So while “getting away from it all” may seem appealing, I would be leaving behind a part of me that I genuinely cherish, putting myself in bondage to my sense of loss. The true freedom lies in my ability to act tempered by my discernment to not act. I may not always have liberty, it may be taken from me by force or by choice, but I will always have freedom of my soul. Knowledge that I am responsible for my actions, my responses and my dreams. Mel Gibson summed it up very well in his portrayal of William Wallace in Braveheart; “they may take away our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom.”

Have you found freedom?

^a 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

What Am I Doing?

Hunh?

I’m having trouble finding out what this blog wants to be. I had hoped it would coalesce into something more concrete over the course of two or three weeks but it is still rather vaporous. The consistent delays are not helping. And why do I feel guilty about the delays? Not sure. But my worst fear is that I already know the answer to all of these questions, including the question that started everything here. I already know it and am just prolonging the waiting. Perhaps, I’m afraid to pull the trigger.

Sometimes it seems that life is very simple. On days when I am sitting at home, watching my son play. He has no cares in the world . My wife is sitting beside me and the dog at our feet, and I think that the moment is perfect. But then other days, I feel like the world is in my hands and I must choose between the ones I love and what I am supposed to be doing. And then it seems that there is not a winning choice.

I have been hearing a lot about gender roles, or the perception of them, recently. In podcasts, sermons, blogs, etc. I know that a common conception is that men often take on the role of savior. They feel that everything is on their shoulders and only they can come through. And it always seems these things are isolationist in practice. Am I perpetuating a role that may or may not exist based on some genetic memory passed down for thousands of years? I’m not sure why everything seems so urgent, and impossible.

That all being said, again, I am afraid I know the answer that I am seeking. And I don’t like what it is suggesting. I’m sure this may seem disjointed, and rambling. But, that is what today is. I apologize for the negative display. Tomorrow will be better.

I Don’t Have Time To Talk About Time

Time keeps on tickin.... (Courtesy of Flickr)

Yesterday I was privileged with the opportunity to attend a time management seminar. I have been feeling unorganized and stressed with the activities in life piling up, and trying to manage them with napkin to-do-lists hasn’t been working well. So I thought this seminar could be helpful. I went into it with anticipation and hope for a more organized life. I got the cool binder and the facilitator talked about how to use it to maximize the time I have and not miss any deadlines or important projects. It also forces me to focus on long term goals and personal initiatives. Very cool. This is something that fits in well with the introspective nature of what I have chosen to do here. Now the only trick is to make sure I use it!

Self-discipline has always been an elusive thing for me. I tend to go and hide in my cave of indulgence when feeling low or insecure. I am not without success though, my recent attempt to change my eating habits resulted in a significant weight loss. A long desired and huge win for me! So now my most recent challenge has arisen. I see potential to “clean-up” my life but I have to be willing to put in the work to get results. I think I am up for the task.

I think we as a nation struggle with the idea of self-discipline. For years we have been trained to not be self-disciplined. Fast food comes up with quicker ways to feed us, car companies talk about how we deserve a new car and we don’t need to put any money down. It’s difficult to be disciplined when you have so many options available to you. And I’m pretty convinced that a lack of self-discipline is a part of the reason we have an economy in as bad a shape as we do. (Yes, I know the lending companies and the product manufacturers play a role with the marketing campaigns designed to target people by appealing to base needs, but ultimately we are responsible for the choices we make.) Credit card companies live for the lack of self-discipline. The instant gratification of purchasing now and paying later is great, until you get that bill. Self-discipline with credit was always an easy one for me. I hated carrying balances, but where they did get me was the no interest gimmicks. No interest for a year! And I do it. I always pay it off early to avoid the HUGE interest that gets piled on in month 13, but I spend 11 or 12 months paying something off.

Any way, I’m just thinking as I begin to try and form this new habit of managing my time, and I continue the habit of eating better, what are other areas in my life that could be improved with self-discipline? (Maybe blog more than once a week? ) I’ll have to give this thought over the next few days and see what I come up with. Are there areas in your life that you have been feeling like you need to buckle down on? Drop me a line. We can keep each other accountable.

Shopping For Happiness

(courtesy of Flickr)

Everybody has a vice. some of us more than others. I may fall into the later, but… it’s a work in progress. One thing about myself that frustrates me is my inherent need to buy stuff. Stuff is a good word for it too. I go through phases but generally the stuff I get is impractical. Not bad, just impractical. For a while it was DVD’s, I had to buy the new hot thing the day it come out. Sometimes it’s books, video games, even clothes if I’m in the right mood (my wife complains that I have more shoes than she does). Why do I do that? What is the point of buying all that stuff. Often it sets for a time before I even use it. I have books on my shelves that I have yet to read that are over a year old. Eventually I’ll read them, maybe.

I am looking for happiness, but not in any positive way. It seems that somewhere deep inside I think the new gadget or gizmo will fill the empty place inside that is not satisfied and when the new wears off I’m out again looking for a new “fix” (wow, the addict language is getting really strong here). It’s a cycle of emotional diminishing returns, the more I get the less I am satisfied.

I have begun to see through this deception lately and have been trying to block this behavior. It’s difficult at times, especially when I’m feeling down and need a pick me up. The same way someone who seeks comfort in any form has to learn to find contentment in who and what they are, I too need to find that contentment. To understand what I have, not what I want, and appreciate the enormous blessings in those people and things.

A good friend of mine sent me a note of encouragement today. He reminded me to see the joy in my life. I am reminded of the words of the Apostle Paul;

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”*

If I stick to my core, and focus on those things, that is where I will find true happiness, joy and contentment. If you’re struggling with finding contentment I hope that these words can help. Drop me a note, I’d be happy to talk with you, listen and encourage any way I can.

Have a great day!

(*Philippians 4:11-12)

Delays Are Inevitable

Quality Time (courtesy of Flickr)

Wow…so tomorrow turned into next week. Sorry about that. Last week was really a difficult one, and I can’t tell you why. I’m not sure how it was different but there you go. The real world calls and I am forced to answer. I will admit however to completely vegging out for about 2 hours in front of the TV last night, but about half of that was some time Sean and I spent watching a show together so that made it a little more like quality time. (I’ll take whatever justification I can get today! )

Speaking of quality time I have identified that as my current strogest language of love*. We are covering this idea in our messages at church this month and following it up with home groups focused on them as well. While we all speak these different languages to some degree there is usually one or two that really resonate with an individual. Currently my strong one is quality time. I think this may stem from the amount of time I am having to spend outside of the home or otherwise engaged in other activity. It has redefined how I choose to spend my free evenings and what I do. I’ve mentioned that Aubrey and I used to go to movies at the theater a lot, but now I really have to question whether this is 3 hours I want to commit to that activity. Generally I opt to spend that time with our son.

On that note, I am Mr. Mom this week while my wife is out of town on business. I have great respect for people who, by whatever means, have to raise a child on their own. It is a difficult task for two, and very difficult for one. I am blessed to have the grandparents for help while she is gone, but it does make me stop and think about the evenings I have this week in more detail. Things I normally don’t have to worry about, because my wife takes care of them, now need to be planned. It’s a good exercise to go through now and then and helps us appreciate the people in our lives.

So, your assignment for today is to do something you normally don’t do to show someone in your life (Wife, husband, child, parent, ect.) that you appreciate them.

(* The Five Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman.)

“He Said What?”

The Magic Box (courtesy of Flickr)

I talked last week about entertainment and how I need to moderate it. Seriously, I could be an entertainment junkie. I love pop culture. Always have. If I was not careful it would become my idol. And some days, to my shame,perhaps it does.

Being a father, I am transferring these feelings to my son, not that he realizes it. We like to monitor how much time he spends sitting and watching TV or playing on Playhouse Disney as opposed to playing. Some people have accused us of being overly sensitive but I like to think we are setting expectations and habits for him. We’ll see.

But another area that has started creeping in lately is how and when Aubrey and I watch our entertainment when he is around. When he was little we didn’t think too much of it, everything went over his head. But the last year his vocabulary has been exploding and he repeats EVERYTHING! (This point was made clear as he graced me with a recitation of the speech that Obi-Wan gives Luke in his house in Star Wars Episode IV. The one that includes one of the very few curses in that movie.) I am becoming more and more sensitive to the content of television and am realizing just how desensitized I have become to much of it. Shows we thought nothing of I am finding multiple curse words and sexual innuendos. While the meanings of these words and phrases elude him, I don’t really want him sharing them with his preschool friends and teachers.

For a long time shows like BSG and Heroes have been relegated to post toddler bedtime due to the violence. But now early evening sitcoms are being reevaluated based on the things I am noticing. I realize I can’t shield him from it all, and, honestly, I’m not sure I want to. I just have to make sure that expectations are set in the house by a) letting him know what was inappropriate in the shows we see, and b) making sure that we model the correct behavior. (Nothing takes the wind out of your parenting sails like a good does of parent/child hypocrisy)

I’m curious. How was this issue handled in your home growing up? If you have kids, how do/did you deal with it?

Realistic Expectations

My empty canvas (courtesy of Flickr)

OK. It’s been a few days. After a busy couple of days at work and a busy weekend with the second job I didn’t get anything posted. Not a big deal except for my obsessive need for completeness. When I started this it was meant to be a cathartic way to get some stuff out of my head so I might spend less time processing it. Also, It was my hope to get some people reading these posts on a regular basis and chiming in and having discussion on some of the issues that I am thinking about. I anticipate that happening more and more in the future but for now just expressing the thoughts in my head in a forum that I can reference when necessary is a good enough plan.

When I started doing this last week I never made any unspoken rules about diligently blogging every day. I think I need to do it somewhat consistently for people to find value in returning to read here but everyday is an ambitious goal for someone as myself for a few reasons:

1. I don’t do this for a living. See paragraph one above for a complete explanation.
2. I have a lot going on already. Working full time at one job as well as a secondary job in a ministry field keeps me busy, This does not take into account my roles as husband and father and it’s easy to see there is a lot going on at my house.
3. I am not a writer. The fact that I have written as much as I have is amazing. I have not consistently written since college and I was never great at it. Acceptable but not great so it takes me probably 3 times longer to write one of these than it should due to my need to over analyze the words that come out of my mouth (or fingertips in this case).

I guess I type this to set expectations for myself more than anyone else. I appreciate you taking time to read my thoughts and ramblings, and I am even more pleased when you take time to comment to me. We’re all busy, not just me, so for you to take time out of your life to check in on my part of the world means a lot.

Tomorrow, something more substatial…I hope.

Are You Not Entertained?

Maximus asks, "Are you not entertained?"

I talked other day about wanting to make a difference. I don’t mean in a headline making, history book sort of way. (Although that could be cool) What I mean is, at the end of my life, I want to look back and see that I had a positive impact on the people I encountered. That maybe something I did made the world a little bit better for someone else. But this won’t happen if I am sitting at home playing video games or watching TV. If I want to make a change in the world I have to engage the world. (There are days I hate being an introvert)

I must confess, I like entertainment. Aubrey and I have a short list of TV shows that we watch on a regular basis. Before our son was born we would often go to movies at the theater. I was rather prolific at reading, though I have slowed down in the last couple of years. And I have been known to get sucked into the occasional 8 hour WoW marathon. These are all ways I like to relax and enjoy a little “me time”. But if I am not careful those things become my focus.

First and foremost I need to make sure that I am giving my wife and son the time they need. It is important for them and for me. I have, on more than one occasion, turned off the TV to play football with my son in the kitchen. When all is said and done, that is much more important than finding out this weeks new twist on Lost. If I don’t spend time with my wife, over time, our emotional connection will break down. And I need to be centered spiritually to face the challenges that come up on a day to day basis. Lastly, if I am “plugged-in” to the TV, or have my nose in a book I am not building relationships with people, and relationships are where life changing things happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not on an anti-entertainment soap box. I like to be entertained, but as I look at my life I think that maybe I can cut back a little bit. Maybe I will only read one book this month instead of two. Maybe I will only watch two hours of TV this week instead of four. I just want to make sure I am balancing my life and that the important things are given priority.

What do you think?